I call it “the moment of revelation”. It comes and goes. It is when I feel the most vulnerable. I start to notice everything I don’t usually notice. Say, when I’m in my room, I suddenly begin to see everything work in slow motion. I slowly begin to feel the warmth in my body, my ticking heart, the fan whirring around. I see my shirts slowly sway from their hangers. I don’t usually notice these little things. It makes me feel that something has pulled me into a flux and made me super observant. When I think of my problems in this state, they all seem very trivial. My demons are gone and my soul lurks at its highest inner peace.
It takes a lot to make a boy cry. I get so emotional in this state that some feelings make me want to cry. It happens, as my whole life rewinds in front of me. At the point, a person’s chapter in my life is about to end. I want to run to them and hug them and shake them, “Hey you. Wake up, will you? Remember how amazing we were. You told me you’d stay forever. I love you. I still do and I always will. Now don’t you walk out on me like that”. But these are scenarios that are running in my head and what has ended in life has really ended. As the person’s face slowly fades as I shake them, I cry because I feel helpless. I could do nothing to bring them back.
I am kinder than I usually am, when I’m in this state. I was being unreasonable with my parents in the afternoon. All the tension in life had driven me mad. I really hurt them and I didn’t quite care about it at the time. Now, I want to go to them and tell them how much I love them.
If someone could put a halo upon my head now, I might as well be in competition with angels in terms of empathy and compassion. Because, if something breaks the people I love, it breaks me too now. It is like our neural circuits have binded together in some way. I feel a greater connection with all of them and have a deeper understanding to their pain. My human nature is gone now. I am not jealous nor do I spite anyone. I don’t prioritize myself above everything else in the world.
I get these ominous thoughts, “Death will be upon everyone in some time. Why do we hate then? What pleasure comes out of it? Is it hard not to hate? Is it hard to stay in love? Is it hard to be together?”. Because I’ve seen a lot of friendships and relationships around me and I’ve been a victim of a lot of these relationship fiascos myself. I’ve given people three years, four years, five years, and that is a big part of my little life. I give them my entire heart, spending time raising a bond from scratch to see it all come crashing down one day. We can’t even look each other in the eyes anymore. We can’t be even in the same room anymore. We hide and run from the person, we once run into for comfort. I makes me grind my teeth in despair, “What painful irony is this, life? What is the point you’re trying to make? Are you mocking at how sad and irredeemable human beings are?”
Long story short – If you’ve shared a piece of your heart and soul with someone, keep them. If the relationship is broken, fix it. Fix it, no matter how difficult it is, because it is worth it. Otherwise, you’re just jumping from one base to another, mending the loss of one bond with another, each bond turning out to be superficial and meaning nothing. Because no relationship stays longer than a couple of years, if you are not willing to fight against your issues together instead of fighting with each other.
I know this state makes me sound ridiculously innocent. But aren’t we all deep, deep inside? Aren’t we all yearning for warmth, hugs and kisses? When you’re brimming with tears when you’re hurt and in pain, you’ll see how pure your soul is. That was how you were made. You’ll see the beautiful person that you are, until your mind gets all smudgy again. We call the world a cruel place and make ourselves cold so that we can fit in, don’t we? I wanted to push this message across while I’m still in the flux because my demons will be up and about anytime soon. Then I’ll be human and stuck in the infinite loop of this system again. Life will be all about me again.
The flux of realization, the moment of revelation, as I see it is my angels taking complete control of my body from my demons for a little time to make me realise what life really is. It comes and goes. When it comes, it lets me peep into what really matters, but leaves figuring out how to achieve this magical flux permanently to myself.
So tell me do you feel this way too sometimes?